Your Circle of Influence

Something I have been pondering lately is the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people when in recovery. Our culture today is so saturated with weight loss/exercise obsessed individuals that encountering one of them on a daily basis is almost unavoidable. The main issue to deal with is what you do with the words they say to you and the influence they have on your life. I know for me, I have many friends around me that are obsessed with weight loss and working out. It makes things difficult for me when I am with them and they carry on about such subjects. This is where being assertive comes into play. Assertiveness is a valuable lesson that I learned in rehab, it's something I will never forget and that I carry out each day in my conversations. I have learned to stand up for myself and my battle against my eating disorder, I reply to their comments with a kind and loving request for them to not talk about those things around me. I explain to them my feelings and how it affects me. If I were to let them keep talking about it and just try to brush it off, the conversation would only replay in my head later and my eating disorder would use it to its full advantage to plant even more lies in my brain. One of the most important things while in recovery is nipping any negative thoughts in the bud before they even have a chance to blossom into something further that could potentially hurt you. Another thing I have learned recently is being careful to surround myself with others in recovery that are struggling with their eating disorder and having regular symptoms. I have about a year of recovery under my belt but still don't feel mentally ready to be a a strong enough leader in a group of individuals with eating disorders. I am very vulnerable and the place that certain people are at is going to be different than mine and it's necessary for me to recognize that and while loving them and caring also being mindful of myself and my own struggles. Ideally, a person in recovery from an eating disorder should be surrounded by encouraging individuals that know exactly what to say and when as to not trigger the eating disorder, however, this is not reality and so it's important to prepare for all of the outside influences and learn how to tackle the hurdles. I find it helpful to have a select few people in my life who fully understand the eating disorder and who can be there for me to go to and talk about struggles I may be having with those around me that are influencing my eating disorder in a negative way. Communication is one of the keys to freedom, the eating disorder will of course tell you differently and to isolate but that's the worst thing to do. Stand strong for yourself and your new thought process, don't let the opinions and obsessions of others take over your life <3

What is Recovery? and what about being "Fat"?

My group therapy session homework last week was to write down two things...."What does recovery look like to me?" and "How do I feel about fat and weight gain?" I sat down and contemplated both of these questions and came to the conclusion of what each one means to me. Recovery is a daily choice, a stronger force, a whole lot of change, and a healthy lifestyle. Recovery is not something that's achieved in one day, it's a daily decision to take care of my body each and everyday. It also means to work harder than I ever have, to love my body.  Recovery is a force of strength that outsmarts the eating disorder and doesn't allow it to have control. Someone in recovery can expect change, a change of habits, change of thinking, and even a change in dress size. To me, right now, recovery is my number one priority. I don't want to go back to the eating disorder mindset, I want to embrace the new me. Something I have realized most recently is that recovery also means making sacrifices in other areas of life. I am not able to achieve 100 % in every area of my life when trying to focus on and balance everything including recovery, and I've learned that's okay and that recovery and my health are of utmost importance and everything else comes after that. Recovery is something absolutely beautiful and life changing when embraced by an individual willing to change. Now, onto the next topic, being "fat" and weight gain. Quite honestly, being fat is something forbidden to a person with an eating disorder. It's strange because if I see a heavy set person, I pick out all of the good in them and don't focus on their outward appearance but the second that I feel fat, it becomes a national emergency in my brain and life. When I'm engulfed in that negative thinking, I don't see anything but the fat on my body. Weight gain when in recovery is inevitable but one must just remain focused on the ends result and not allow that alone to distract them. In summary, when in recovery stay focused, dedicated, positive, and pray to God for His help. With determination and faith, you can achieve great things ;)

*The number on the scale*

Almost one year into recovery and I found out something that many months ago may have shattered my world. Last week I went to see my primary care physician for a check-up. I entered the doctor’s office and the nurse asked me to wait for a few moments and then she would be back to take my vitals and get me checked in. I looked her up and down, realizing how small she was and I also recognized the attitude that she had because I too had experienced it within myself when I was very sick with my eating disorder. I know it may sound strange but often times I am able to identify someone that has an eating disorder. I am a firm believer in the phrase, “It takes one to know one.” She came out to the waiting room to get me and before stepping on the scale; I did what I have done since in recovery and explained, “I am going to stand on backwards because I’m in recovery from an eating disorder.” She nodded and said, “Ok.” As I stepped off the scale she goes, “Alright,…” and announced my weight to me. As the number came out of her mouth a feeling of shock and disbelief overwhelmed me. The number I have been fighting against and had stayed so strong against had just been revealed to me. A part of me initially felt guilty before realizing that I had no control over what had just happened. I took the precautions and she ignored them. I didn’t say anything to her because when she continued taking my vitals I was still in such a state of shock. She left the room and my eyes filled with tears, I held my face in my hands and cried. I picked up the phone and called my mom. I explained what happened and wanted to quickly hang up because the feelings were just so overwhelming.  I had a choice at that exact moment. I could either choose my eating disorder and focus on myself, that number, and what to do about it and not tell the doctor or I could re-focus myself on the reality that it’s just a number and tell the doctor so it didn’t happen again in the future.  As the doctor walked in, I shared with him what happened. He replied, “Well, I am not surprised, she has a problem herself.” It was clear to everyone. It’s amazing how one person’s eating disorder can be used against someone in recovery in such a great way. I went on to explain to him that he really should confront her about the fact that she told me my weight.  I told him that thankfully I am far enough into recovery that I knew what to do with those crazy thoughts that Ed rushed back into my memory but if she had told that to someone newly into recovery that it could have a massive impact on them. He agreed to talk to her about it and realized how important of an issue it was. That was probably one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The number just seemed to echo in my brain all day but I stayed strong and threw the negative thoughts out the window. That night, my parents had a little celebration with me and brought me flowers in support of me standing up for what was right and for myself. It’s because of support like that, that I’m as far as I am in recovery. Thank you mom and dad for always rallying behind me <3

***Don't let stress hold you back from your full potential***

For me, stressful times when recovering from an eating disorder are one of the most challenging things to encounter. As I approach finals week, I have been working long days and nights on projects, homework, and studying for exams. During the day I am so busy that it would be easy for me to just “forget” to eat and at night sleep has been few and far between for me these days, which essentially affects me the next day because I just don’t feel hungry because I’m so tired. At times like this, it feels as if all odds are against me but then I take a moment out of my day to regroup and re-prioritize. I realize that in order for me to do well in other aspects of life I have to first take care of myself. Although, the easy way out is not eating and becoming “numb”, that only sounds appealing to me for a second before I remember the hell that comes with restricting. I think of the massive headache and other ill feelings that follow restriction. I don’t want that life again. Deep down inside, I’ve changed, I know who I am now and I never want to go back to the deadly lifestyle I lead before. When it comes down to it, stress is something that will always be a part of life, but for someone in recovery it leaves a daily choice. Will you chose to save your life and eat no matter how hard it is or will you cave to the temporary security net that ED offers? I pray that I continue to choose the first choice, and to choose life. As far as I’m concerned, a stressful day isn’t worth regressing to old ways and losing all of the advances   I’ve made. Stay strong and stay focused and you can overcome anything you set your mind to J

Life Changing Experience

I have copied over a speech that I gave to my Professional Communication class last week. The assignment was to speak about a life changing experience that I went through.

Today, I will be talking about a life changing experience that you may be able to relate to and that has taught me many important things. I will be sharing with you about my recovery from my eating disorder, a disease that affects both men and women today. In the spring of 2010, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Anorexia is a life threatening disease that is characterized by mental distortion of self image, which leads to induced starvation, excessive exercise and drastic weight loss. In early June, I began family counseling with my parents to work through various issues that we were having. Through this, I revealed my eating disorder of three years to them and I finally recognized that I had a problem and needed help. This is where it all began. After I brought myself to accept the fact that I was dying slowly after years of malnutrition and hitting a rock bottom weight of 104 pounds, I was finally able to make that phone call that would change my life. I contacted one of the best eating disorder doctors in the nation, who happens to practice out of Strong Hospital. I still remember vividly all the emotions I was feeling the day of my first appointment. I sat there, waiting in the room, shaking, as tears trickled down my face and thoughts raced through my mind. I knew this was the beginning of letting go. I’d have to let go of the one thing that I had control over the past 3 years of my life: my eating disorder. The door quickly opened as the doctor stepped in and I wiped the tears from my cheeks, not wanting him to see my weakness. I had walls up but by the end of my first meeting with him I was slowly tearing them down. I was surprised as he related to everything I was saying and could practically finish my sentences as I tried to explain my feelings to him. Because eating disorders are a disease, my symptoms and feelings were nothing new under the sun to him. Individuals with eating disorders strangely share many similarities. I left the appointment overwhelmed but also flooded with relief. From this point forward, I worked with my doctor and a nutritionist, starting by simply adding food back into my daily life again. It was a slow process but I was starting to form a passion for recovery, which was the key to my success.  After months of implementing my new meal plan while continuing on with my life, working hard, barely sleeping, and eating to the point of ‘just getting by’, I realized I needed a higher level of care. The challenge was, it was August and I was all registered to start classes here at Nazareth the following month, entering as a junior. I had a decision to make-one that I view as the hardest I have ever made. Did I continue on, barely getting by and killing myself slowly so that I could enter college that fall and stay on track with my schedule or should I focus on becoming healthy and beginning a rehabilitation program that would get me on the right track for the long run, not just short term? I did end up taking last semester off and on August 26th, 2010, I admitted myself into a local eating disorder partial hospitalization program where I began my 3 month venture towards recovery. My doctor was standing beside me every step of the way.  Before I left his office for rehabilitation he drew me a picture of a mountain and made a mark at the bottom and said, “You’re right here and you need to get to the top, to get there you will go through hell, the worst experiences you have ever had in your life but once you reach the top of the mountain the view will be worth every bit you went through.” At the rehabilitation program, I went everyday at eleven in the morning until six thirty at night. I was able to go home at night. All of my meals were eaten within the program and every morning I was weighed in. The treatment team at the center consisting of doctors, primary therapists, psychologists, art therapists, dance therapists, and yoga instructors first worked with me on the re-feeding process. You see, when you have an eating disorder it effects you not only physically but mentally as well. The lack of food in my body caused me to not be able to think properly, so they fed us multiple times a day, sometimes with the most unappetizing food choices. Meals were timed and after 3 incomplete meals, you were given a warning and if you didn’t complete after that you were recommended for a higher level of care. After about a month, I had finally started gaining weight. How much, I don’t know. I haven’t seen a scale or known my weight since the day I walked into the doctor’s office for that first appointment. You see, the number on the scale used to determine for me whether or not I would eat that day. If I didn’t like the number, I wouldn’t eat. It would not be advantageous for me to even touch a scale now; it would only hinder my recovery. The next part of recovery was mental and emotional healing. We worked in a group setting and participated in the various therapies I mentioned above, but also had daily sessions discussing body image, adopting new thought processes, meal planning and nutrition, and many other means of overcoming our eating disorders. On a positive note, I look back and know that attending the rehabilitation program was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I see now how it sought to kill me, and I thank God everyday for giving me the grace to fight it. When my doctor drew that mountain, he wasn’t kidding. Recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done but as I approach the top of the mountain, the view is becoming clearer everyday and let me tell you, it’s a beautiful view. 

Lasting Consequences

I have recently been facing a rather large challenge that I feel many others probably face as well when in recovery. I am dealing with the after effects of an eating disorder. When the smaller things like hair loss, piercing headaches, low body temperature, and changing moods started to change for the better during my stay in the rehab program, it was exciting to start feeling healthy again. For the first time I remember looking at the sink after drying my hair and not seeing clumps wrapped around the drain, I remember the hot flashes and how for the first time I felt warm instead of cold all the time, and I remember finally waking up in the morning and not having that piercing headache against my temple of my head. The absence of these results of an eating disorder was nothing but a joy to me. However, then came the larger more permanent ramifications of my eating disorder. Last week I was told something that left me sitting there crying wondering how I could have ever done this to my body and hurting at the thought of the bondage I used to be under. You see, for several months and even while at the rehab program I constantly felt nauseated. Not a day went by when I didn't feel like food was in the back of my throat and feel a burning in my esophagus. Having a history of severe acid reflux also played a role. Of course,despite the pain and sickness,  I continued eating; it was my only means to recovery. The nausea has continued and most recently I have woken up every morning so sick that I have been vomiting spit and stomach bile. I know, a gross thing for me to admit but I am simply trying to share with you the severity of this situation. I was so discouraged. After being on medication for months and having no relief, I finally underwent a upper endoscopy, which allowed my doctor to view my esophagus and stomach and explore what is going on. The results showed that my stomachs mobility rate had dropped drastically, much slower than a normal person. The reason I am nauseated all of the time is because my stomach is not emptying properly and therefore, the food is backing up and coming up my esophagus causing pain and sickness. How did this happen? The answer to that question is what haunts me to this day, my eating disorder. I didn't have food in my stomach for so long that it actually slowed down mobility and has had a permanent affect on me. The doctor didn't have a resolve expect for putting me on more medications to cover the pain/nausea and for us to pray this gets better, it could very well, be damaged for life. Along with this news I have been advised to have a change of food intake. The thoughts that raced through my brain when he said that was, here I worked so hard for months,finally starting to love food again and now the doctor's are requiring me to eat only bland foods and to be very careful with what I consume because it could make my stomach worse. My eating disorder immediately kicked in and tried to convince me it could save the day. Through many tears and talking it out with my treatment team, I am over coming this each and everyday. I am putting the eating disorder aside and trying to make the most of a bad experience. I am focusing on the positives of foods I can have still that I love instead of dwelling on the negative and leaving room for ED to rear his ugly head. This change is frustrating to say the least but in the end it is only going to make me a stronger person. Experiencing all this though, left me realizing just how big of an impact an eating disorder has on one's life. The ramifications of starving my body are here haunting me on a daily basis. The way I look at it now is, the nausea and sickness are motivators to never go back to my ED, the very thing that did this to me, the very thing that tried to kill me. The good news is, it didn't and I won't let it.

More Than Just a Size

I don't know about you but one of the hardest parts of recovery for me was when I sat in the circle at my recovery program crying because I went to put on my favorite jeans that morning and they didn't fit anymore. Weight gain is a natural and expected part of recovery but I never thought I would be so emotional over not fitting into my favorite pair of pants. That following week, the week before my discharge from the program, my other group members challenged me to get rid of my old pants/clothes that didn't fit anymore, and then go on a shopping spree for new clothes. I remember emptying my closet with a box of tissues right by my side. I cried and gripped my many pairs of  pants before throwing them into the 'give-away' pile.I remember vividly that at that point they weren't just pants to me, they represented everything I was throwing away; essentially, my eating disorder. The emotional connection I had to them was overwhelming. However, after taking them to the local thrift store, I felt a sense of accomplishment, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and moved on, headed forward, not looking back. Next, I began to think of the shopping spree ahead of me.The thought of the size I would be and what that mirror in the dressing room would reveal to me was terrifying. My primary therapist had a session with me before I went and recommended taking someone along with me for support as I went shopping . At first, my ED hated the idea but then after taking a step back and evaluating everything, I agreed to it. My mom went with me that night and I showed her which pants I liked, she picked various sizes and then covered them with colored tape, and handed them to me to try on. Of course, I wanted to peel back the tape and look but I honestly didn't look and I selected various pants based on style and how I felt in them. I left feeling great about my wardrobe. When we got home I handed her the pants and asked her to remove the tags so to this day, I don't know what size they are. I am so thankful I took those necessary steps to prevent a trigger. To this day, trying on pants that don't fit is a very emotional thing but I do feel that with each passing week in my recovery, I'm stronger and realize that I am made for so much more than just a pant size and the tag on the clothes I wear is not my identity. I'm letting go of the identity ED held me captive by for so long and finding a new one, myself and discovering my full potential :)