Lasting Consequences

I have recently been facing a rather large challenge that I feel many others probably face as well when in recovery. I am dealing with the after effects of an eating disorder. When the smaller things like hair loss, piercing headaches, low body temperature, and changing moods started to change for the better during my stay in the rehab program, it was exciting to start feeling healthy again. For the first time I remember looking at the sink after drying my hair and not seeing clumps wrapped around the drain, I remember the hot flashes and how for the first time I felt warm instead of cold all the time, and I remember finally waking up in the morning and not having that piercing headache against my temple of my head. The absence of these results of an eating disorder was nothing but a joy to me. However, then came the larger more permanent ramifications of my eating disorder. Last week I was told something that left me sitting there crying wondering how I could have ever done this to my body and hurting at the thought of the bondage I used to be under. You see, for several months and even while at the rehab program I constantly felt nauseated. Not a day went by when I didn't feel like food was in the back of my throat and feel a burning in my esophagus. Having a history of severe acid reflux also played a role. Of course,despite the pain and sickness,  I continued eating; it was my only means to recovery. The nausea has continued and most recently I have woken up every morning so sick that I have been vomiting spit and stomach bile. I know, a gross thing for me to admit but I am simply trying to share with you the severity of this situation. I was so discouraged. After being on medication for months and having no relief, I finally underwent a upper endoscopy, which allowed my doctor to view my esophagus and stomach and explore what is going on. The results showed that my stomachs mobility rate had dropped drastically, much slower than a normal person. The reason I am nauseated all of the time is because my stomach is not emptying properly and therefore, the food is backing up and coming up my esophagus causing pain and sickness. How did this happen? The answer to that question is what haunts me to this day, my eating disorder. I didn't have food in my stomach for so long that it actually slowed down mobility and has had a permanent affect on me. The doctor didn't have a resolve expect for putting me on more medications to cover the pain/nausea and for us to pray this gets better, it could very well, be damaged for life. Along with this news I have been advised to have a change of food intake. The thoughts that raced through my brain when he said that was, here I worked so hard for months,finally starting to love food again and now the doctor's are requiring me to eat only bland foods and to be very careful with what I consume because it could make my stomach worse. My eating disorder immediately kicked in and tried to convince me it could save the day. Through many tears and talking it out with my treatment team, I am over coming this each and everyday. I am putting the eating disorder aside and trying to make the most of a bad experience. I am focusing on the positives of foods I can have still that I love instead of dwelling on the negative and leaving room for ED to rear his ugly head. This change is frustrating to say the least but in the end it is only going to make me a stronger person. Experiencing all this though, left me realizing just how big of an impact an eating disorder has on one's life. The ramifications of starving my body are here haunting me on a daily basis. The way I look at it now is, the nausea and sickness are motivators to never go back to my ED, the very thing that did this to me, the very thing that tried to kill me. The good news is, it didn't and I won't let it.

More Than Just a Size

I don't know about you but one of the hardest parts of recovery for me was when I sat in the circle at my recovery program crying because I went to put on my favorite jeans that morning and they didn't fit anymore. Weight gain is a natural and expected part of recovery but I never thought I would be so emotional over not fitting into my favorite pair of pants. That following week, the week before my discharge from the program, my other group members challenged me to get rid of my old pants/clothes that didn't fit anymore, and then go on a shopping spree for new clothes. I remember emptying my closet with a box of tissues right by my side. I cried and gripped my many pairs of  pants before throwing them into the 'give-away' pile.I remember vividly that at that point they weren't just pants to me, they represented everything I was throwing away; essentially, my eating disorder. The emotional connection I had to them was overwhelming. However, after taking them to the local thrift store, I felt a sense of accomplishment, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and moved on, headed forward, not looking back. Next, I began to think of the shopping spree ahead of me.The thought of the size I would be and what that mirror in the dressing room would reveal to me was terrifying. My primary therapist had a session with me before I went and recommended taking someone along with me for support as I went shopping . At first, my ED hated the idea but then after taking a step back and evaluating everything, I agreed to it. My mom went with me that night and I showed her which pants I liked, she picked various sizes and then covered them with colored tape, and handed them to me to try on. Of course, I wanted to peel back the tape and look but I honestly didn't look and I selected various pants based on style and how I felt in them. I left feeling great about my wardrobe. When we got home I handed her the pants and asked her to remove the tags so to this day, I don't know what size they are. I am so thankful I took those necessary steps to prevent a trigger. To this day, trying on pants that don't fit is a very emotional thing but I do feel that with each passing week in my recovery, I'm stronger and realize that I am made for so much more than just a pant size and the tag on the clothes I wear is not my identity. I'm letting go of the identity ED held me captive by for so long and finding a new one, myself and discovering my full potential :)