More Than Just a Size

I don't know about you but one of the hardest parts of recovery for me was when I sat in the circle at my recovery program crying because I went to put on my favorite jeans that morning and they didn't fit anymore. Weight gain is a natural and expected part of recovery but I never thought I would be so emotional over not fitting into my favorite pair of pants. That following week, the week before my discharge from the program, my other group members challenged me to get rid of my old pants/clothes that didn't fit anymore, and then go on a shopping spree for new clothes. I remember emptying my closet with a box of tissues right by my side. I cried and gripped my many pairs of  pants before throwing them into the 'give-away' pile.I remember vividly that at that point they weren't just pants to me, they represented everything I was throwing away; essentially, my eating disorder. The emotional connection I had to them was overwhelming. However, after taking them to the local thrift store, I felt a sense of accomplishment, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and moved on, headed forward, not looking back. Next, I began to think of the shopping spree ahead of me.The thought of the size I would be and what that mirror in the dressing room would reveal to me was terrifying. My primary therapist had a session with me before I went and recommended taking someone along with me for support as I went shopping . At first, my ED hated the idea but then after taking a step back and evaluating everything, I agreed to it. My mom went with me that night and I showed her which pants I liked, she picked various sizes and then covered them with colored tape, and handed them to me to try on. Of course, I wanted to peel back the tape and look but I honestly didn't look and I selected various pants based on style and how I felt in them. I left feeling great about my wardrobe. When we got home I handed her the pants and asked her to remove the tags so to this day, I don't know what size they are. I am so thankful I took those necessary steps to prevent a trigger. To this day, trying on pants that don't fit is a very emotional thing but I do feel that with each passing week in my recovery, I'm stronger and realize that I am made for so much more than just a pant size and the tag on the clothes I wear is not my identity. I'm letting go of the identity ED held me captive by for so long and finding a new one, myself and discovering my full potential :)