*The number on the scale*

Almost one year into recovery and I found out something that many months ago may have shattered my world. Last week I went to see my primary care physician for a check-up. I entered the doctor’s office and the nurse asked me to wait for a few moments and then she would be back to take my vitals and get me checked in. I looked her up and down, realizing how small she was and I also recognized the attitude that she had because I too had experienced it within myself when I was very sick with my eating disorder. I know it may sound strange but often times I am able to identify someone that has an eating disorder. I am a firm believer in the phrase, “It takes one to know one.” She came out to the waiting room to get me and before stepping on the scale; I did what I have done since in recovery and explained, “I am going to stand on backwards because I’m in recovery from an eating disorder.” She nodded and said, “Ok.” As I stepped off the scale she goes, “Alright,…” and announced my weight to me. As the number came out of her mouth a feeling of shock and disbelief overwhelmed me. The number I have been fighting against and had stayed so strong against had just been revealed to me. A part of me initially felt guilty before realizing that I had no control over what had just happened. I took the precautions and she ignored them. I didn’t say anything to her because when she continued taking my vitals I was still in such a state of shock. She left the room and my eyes filled with tears, I held my face in my hands and cried. I picked up the phone and called my mom. I explained what happened and wanted to quickly hang up because the feelings were just so overwhelming.  I had a choice at that exact moment. I could either choose my eating disorder and focus on myself, that number, and what to do about it and not tell the doctor or I could re-focus myself on the reality that it’s just a number and tell the doctor so it didn’t happen again in the future.  As the doctor walked in, I shared with him what happened. He replied, “Well, I am not surprised, she has a problem herself.” It was clear to everyone. It’s amazing how one person’s eating disorder can be used against someone in recovery in such a great way. I went on to explain to him that he really should confront her about the fact that she told me my weight.  I told him that thankfully I am far enough into recovery that I knew what to do with those crazy thoughts that Ed rushed back into my memory but if she had told that to someone newly into recovery that it could have a massive impact on them. He agreed to talk to her about it and realized how important of an issue it was. That was probably one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The number just seemed to echo in my brain all day but I stayed strong and threw the negative thoughts out the window. That night, my parents had a little celebration with me and brought me flowers in support of me standing up for what was right and for myself. It’s because of support like that, that I’m as far as I am in recovery. Thank you mom and dad for always rallying behind me <3

***Don't let stress hold you back from your full potential***

For me, stressful times when recovering from an eating disorder are one of the most challenging things to encounter. As I approach finals week, I have been working long days and nights on projects, homework, and studying for exams. During the day I am so busy that it would be easy for me to just “forget” to eat and at night sleep has been few and far between for me these days, which essentially affects me the next day because I just don’t feel hungry because I’m so tired. At times like this, it feels as if all odds are against me but then I take a moment out of my day to regroup and re-prioritize. I realize that in order for me to do well in other aspects of life I have to first take care of myself. Although, the easy way out is not eating and becoming “numb”, that only sounds appealing to me for a second before I remember the hell that comes with restricting. I think of the massive headache and other ill feelings that follow restriction. I don’t want that life again. Deep down inside, I’ve changed, I know who I am now and I never want to go back to the deadly lifestyle I lead before. When it comes down to it, stress is something that will always be a part of life, but for someone in recovery it leaves a daily choice. Will you chose to save your life and eat no matter how hard it is or will you cave to the temporary security net that ED offers? I pray that I continue to choose the first choice, and to choose life. As far as I’m concerned, a stressful day isn’t worth regressing to old ways and losing all of the advances   I’ve made. Stay strong and stay focused and you can overcome anything you set your mind to J