5 Years

I know I haven’t written in almost a year but I felt inspired today. I pulled up my TimeHop on my phone this morning expecting to find some silly old picture with friends but instead, the post stopped me in my tracks. Five years ago tomorrow, I graduated from the outpatient rehab program where I was being treated for anorexia. The post I wrote on that day read, “Last Day” which is ironic because in reality it was the first day of the beginning of getting back to the real Bre.

Honestly, when I think back to that time in my life, everything is a blur. All of my memories at rehab have a haze over them and in some ways I think that's a good thing. But there are some things I remember vividly, like the smell of Progresso soup when I walked in each day, knitting needles to try and cope, the clock above the kitchen table that timed my meals, the whiteboard on the back wall filled with all of our feelings from that day, the ever evolving faces that sat around the circle with me, the hard backed chairs, but most of all, I remember the fight. 

While I was there, I was literally fighting for my own life, my eating disorder had such power over me at that point that the next step was hospitalization. The disease dictated every aspect of my life from the relationships I had to the calories I ate and I was absolutely miserable. Every single day at rehab I fought to re-discover the real Bre and regain even just an ounce of control I once had over my own body and mind. I’m not going to lie—it was a living hell. One of the hardest parts was trying to regain control and gain the assertive confidence I needed to get better while gaining a lot of weight in a short period of time. It’s a lot to deal with mentally, emotionally and physically. I remember being completely exhausted when I got home at night and waking up the next morning, putting the boxing gloves back on and doing it all over again. 

While this was the hardest time in my life, it was also a season of incredible growth, personally, spiritually and in my relationships with others. First and foremost, I am forever thankful for my relationship with the Lord because without Him as my rock and strength each day, I could not have done it. I am also eternally grateful for my incredible family, friends, and treatment team that surrounded me and walked through the valley right alongside me. They didn’t give up on me during my worst days and they celebrated even the smallest victories with me. It’s amazing how crucial having a support team is when you’re fighting the battle but at the end of the day, it’s you that has to choose life. Not a single person can do it for you.

I am so thankful that I chose to admit myself into rehab and essentially, chose life. I praise God for bringing me out of that storm a stronger person and for allowing my time in treatment to launch me into a fresh start as the real me. With that being said, many people believe that after a quick rehab stunt, you are essentially healed from your eating disorder. I disagree. Why is the fight the one thing I remember so vividly from that season in my life? Because for me, the fight has never ended. I still face the struggle every single day and every single day I have a choice to make—either to give in to the eating disorder and begin a devastating spiral or stand strong against the lies. While I still face that fight, I can say that by God’s grace I am now in control of my body and the fight is different in the sense that I know how to combat the lies that are thrown at me. I’ve definitely grown in strength over the years but there are those days where I do get mentally defeated by the eating disorder. However, when I wake up the next morning, I face the day with a fresh slate and pray harder than ever that I can overcome this fight, even just for that day.

Today, as I celebrate the incredible journey of recovery that the Lord continues to carry me through, I am humbled that my God loves me so much that He intervened to save my life. This has happened to me for a reason and I refuse to be silent about it because I am determined to use this hardship for the good and to be the voice that is so desperately needed concerning this issue. I want my story to inspire others with hope and I most of all want them to know that they are loved, unconditionally by their Creator and that they have been made with a purpose. Five years down of fighting this disease and by the grace of God, I pray many more to come. One day at a time.