Campaigns that Fight Back

I wrote a paper for my Mass Communications class recently concerning body image and stereotypes. I focused on the efforts that the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty is making to try and change the unhealthy stereotypes represented through our media today. I have attached the paper below. I hope as you read it, you are inspired in knowing that one of the most noted beauty product companies to date is making such a noted effort to make a change.

Stereotypes of Women’s Body Image: Dove Fights Back

In a world that is constantly bombarded with stereotypical images of females having to be thin in order to be accepted in society as being beautiful, Dove, a company renowned for its wide array of beauty products has decided to make a stand to break the mold with the emergence of their Campaign for Real Beauty. Since the start of the campaign, their mission has been to break the stereotypical norms of what media and society constitute as beautiful and promote women’s self-esteem by means of utilizing the media to project images of women that are stereotypically “big” or “wrinkly” and connecting them with ideologies of beauty and happiness in their advertisements. Through this, Dove has been working to recreate the stereotypes of female body image in the minds of today’s society by using the priming and unconscious effects of already-existing media as a weapon against it, ultimately redefining the societal standard of beauty as all-encompassing of all body types and increasing self-esteem within females.

            In the words of Potter, “Hollywood has created a standard of beauty that does not exist in nature” (Potter, 174). This standard of beauty for females involves being youthful, tall, extremely slender, big breasted, and having facial features similar to that of a Barbie doll. Women who fit within this stereotype have perfectly manicured nails, long and healthy hair, and bones protruding from their hips and collar bone which accentuates their thinness. It is the extremely thin nature of the stereotypical “beautiful” women than is most prominent. They are thin to a point which is nearly unattainable through healthy means of exercise and appropriate dieting. 

Unfortunately, this stereotype of women having to be extremely thin to be beautiful is nearly inescapable as is practically the function of media itself to perpetuate some stereotypes (Monahan). In today’s “peek-a-boo world” of media, society is constantly being ambushed by images from the media in an endless stream (Postman, 77). These images are extremely short and incoherent, forcing advertisers and other media creators to portray characters within already-built stereotypes in order to relay their messages effectively to audiences. The media has utilized the female body image stereotype as described previously in advertisements, television shows, movies, music videos, news broadcasting, and every other aspect of the media. This constant exposure to images of thin woman being associated with beauty consequently results in the priming of cognitive pathways, activating stereotypes of female body image (Perks).  

The public is impacted by these messages by means of subliminal advertising, or otherwise defined as “unconscious effects of advertising” (Potter, 200). This method of advertising is achieved when an advertised message is perceived by the public without them realizing it. Through this, advertising creates “worlds that do not exists and makes [the public] want to be a part of those worlds,” alternatively creating the perception that you can achieve instant beauty by using the advertised product or service (Potter, 200). This is misleading to the viewers because it gives them a false perception of themselves and establishes the belief that the advertised product or service is all they need to fit within society’s definition of beautiful instead of being their own kind of beautiful.

Since 2004, Dove has been working to redefine the female body image stereotype of “thin as beautiful” by means of flooding the media with images of people of all physical appearances as being beautiful and utilizing unconscious effects of advertising. In September of that year, research showed that only two percent of women considered themselves to be within the societal standards of beauty (Dove). After realizing how detrimental this statistic is to the self-esteem of women in today’s society all because of the female body image stereotype already in place, Dove made a vow to increase this percentage by means of a complete media revolution: the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.

Their first action as media revolutionaries was the release of an advertising campaign that featured women of all physical body types: thin, heavyset, youthful, wrinkly, tall, short, and more. Dove then asked viewers to participate in a poll on their website that involved asking viewers how they would rate featured models on a scale from ugly to beautiful. The participants, who were actively involved in the interaction with others in the online discussion forum, seemed to experience positive psychosocial benefits” by expressing their concerns regarding “the media's practice of objectifying female bodies” (Kim). When their research coincided with the pre-existing research that sparked their campaign, they decided that they needed to take their campaign a step further.

The year 2005 marked the kickoff of the second part of Dove’s campaign with the launch of advertisements featuring “six real women with real bodies and real curves” (Dove). The campaign motivated thousands of women to visit the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty website where they discussed all the ‘dirty little secrets’ of topics pertaining to body image. Due to the fact that these images did not align with the images the public was already receiving unconsciously about the stereotypical female body, this campaign caused much debate over the idea that one must be skinny in order to be beautiful. This widespread debate and negative feedback did not hinder Dove’s campaign.

In 2006, Dove was motivated to continue their campaign after Spain banned overly thin models from its fashion runways (Dove). This paved the way for Dove to launch their compelling short film, Evolution, which represents the transformation of physical appearance that is done to a model with the use of photo editing software before the ad is released. This was an effort to “promote awareness of how unrealistic perceptions of beauty are created” (Dove). This short film exposed how advertisers create alternate and extremely fabricated perceptions of reality by utilizing the technology of today’s digital age. Within this same year, Dove launched the Dove Self Esteem Fund which was worked to reach girls and women in order to educate them about the real meaning of beauty. This was brought about through linking up with the Girl Scouts in the U.S. The Dove Self Esteem Fund launched a commercial representing this campaign ending with the quote, “We’ve created the Dove Self-Esteem Fund because every girl deserves to feel good about herself” (Wentz). These efforts created such an impact that Dove was named Advertising Age’s Global Advertising Campaign of the year award winner in 2006.

The year 2007 marked the third stage of the campaign when Dove realigned their focus to an older generation of women (Dove). This stage of the campaign “celebrated the essence of women 50+ [with] wrinkles, age spots, grey hair, and all. It was brought to life through a communications campaign created with internationally renowned photographer Annie Leibovitz” (Dove). In this manner, Dove reached above and beyond the youthful female population to be truly encompassing of all women. Along with this new advertising campaign, Dove created yet another short movie which represented the unrealistic messages and images that girls see in the media today concerning body image. This film along with the previous short film produced in 2006 showed the public how advertising techniques already in place reached women on an unconscious level, perpetuating the female body image stereotype of “thin as beautiful” in a manner that was completely unrealistic and falsified.

In 2010 Dove took the campaign to the next step and teamed up with the Girl Scouts of the USA as well as Girls Inc. and Boys & Girls Clubs of America (Dove). They have implemented the creation of educational programs and activities that encourage girls to love their body. It is their goal that in 2015 they globally have reached over seven million girls. In this manner, Dove is going beyond the normal means of advertising to reach out to the public and educate them not only in terms of media literacy, but in the love and acceptance of oneself. Working in this way with other already influential groups in order to make an impact has created a wave of influence on both the national and international levels.

The current year of 2011 marks the continuation of the Dove Campaign through their global study, The Real Truth About Beauty: Revisited (Dove). The results showed that “there is a universal increase in beauty pressure and a decrease in girls’ confidence as they grow older” (Dove). Likewise, it was emphasized that society and media only portray women who are youthful as being examples of beauty. These statistics are alarming and serve as motivation for Dove to continue their efforts in raising the self-esteem of women across the globe through the demolition of the preexisting body image stereotype in society.

Over the past eight years, Dove has worked through advertising campaigns, short films, foundations, co-sponsorships, and research in an effort to transform society’s standards of beauty among women in a more positive direction and greatly increase the self-esteem of all women. By way of breaching the public’s consciousness through their advertising efforts, they have made society more aware of the troublesome effects of stereotyping females as having to be thin and fit into one, specific physical mold in order to be considered beautiful. By showing images of women of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages, and personalities, they have redefined beauty as being a happy, unique individual who embraces her physical appearance as well as character.

Thanksgiving Reflection

As I reflect over the past week, I think through the time spent with my family and friends during Thanksgiving break. I truly think that for a person in recovery this is the most difficult holiday. To others Thanksgiving represents a time of gathering, feasting, and is something some look forward to all year. For someone in recovery the holiday represents everything that the ED tells them to go against such as, eating and connection with family and friends. For me, even a year of recovery under my belt, Thanksgiving becomes an internal battle, as the table is being set, the aroma of delicious food fills the house, and family arrives, my heart begins to race and thoughts flood my mind, "They're all going to be watching to see if I'm eating enough", "If only they knew how hard it is for me to eat this many fear foods at once", "If I say I don't want seconds, they're going to assume I still have my eating disorder", "What happens when I have to go to the bathroom after dinner, are they going to assume something else?". Obviously, these thoughts are planted by the eating disorder and need to be recognized and dealt with. How does one deal with this internal battle? I overcome mine with prayer, making sure I have solid communication,pacing myself as I eat my fear foods, reminding myself of how far I have come and at all costs avoiding the mirror that day. This Thanksgiving my family and I got into a fight, this did not help the situation any. I already felt huge, exhausted, and torn and then to be fighting with those I was trying to communicate with was very frustrating. Something I have learned through this all though, is regardless of circumstances you have to remain true to yourself and make sure you don't fall captive to the old way of thinking while engulfed by the eating disorder. In the end, YOU have to fight for your recovery, nobody can do it for you. The Lord has helped me as I fight for mine, who will you turn to as you fight for yours?

The Little Things

Recently I have been seeing post it notes around my campus saying things like , "You're beautiful", "Be YOU", and other positive sayings. These have caught my eye as I race past on my way to class and have offered a beacon of hope in this world saturated with messages that bombard us on a daily basis saying things such as, "You can never be too thin." The media has created a feeding ground for those with eating disorders and even a simple act such as placing a post it note on the wall in the hallway of your school could change someones day and maybe even someones life. Last year my school took part in a campus wide event where a group of about 30 students gathered together and with mirror markers and post it notes covered our entire school, every bathroom and every hall way with positive messages about body image. I remember the positive feedback received from the movement and when I saw the post it notes this semester again I was reminded that it's the little things that can make a huge difference. Whether it be lending a listening ear or even just posting a simple note you could be saving a life. Don't forget to reach out to those around you. You CAN help change the world today.

I found this advertisement online which is advertising a contact that helps individuals with eating disorders. The advertisement caught my attention because the message it is sending is so true. Often times individuals judge those with eating disorders saying, "You're so skinny, why can't you just see it?" The factor that they seem to forget, however, is that eating disorders are mental illnesses, they send negative and false messages to the person viewing themselves. I remember weighing my lowest weight but when I looked in the mirror all I saw was fat. It was interesting because the only difference day to day that I recognized is where the "fat" I saw clearly was positioned. Some days I would feel as if my legs were big while the next I thought my face was big and chubby. The mirror is an individual with an eating disorder's worst enemy. The mirror deceives and allows the brain to send wrong messages eventually leading to eating disorder behaviors becoming worse. When I saw my eating disorder doctor for the first time he gave me a string and he had me measure out how large I believed my waste line to be. He then took the string and placed it around me, it resulted in excessive additional string. I had perceived my waste line as being 2 times bigger than it actually was. This just goes to show how much the eating disorder distorts one's image of themselves. The next time you go to look in the mirror, consider the fact that the eating disorder is screaming lies at you the whole time and that you're probably only half the size of what you believe you are.

'Anna Rexia'

I was flipping through my school newspaper the other day when a title caught my eye, "Sexy 'Anna Rexia' Halloween Costume is in Poor Taste". There was also a photo featured of the latest most popular Halloween costume, a skinny girl featured in a short black dress adorned with bones and a measuring tape belt. The very sight made my heart melt. How could anyone ever make a Halloween costume representing one of the most deadly diseases affecting people today? As I continued to read the article I was pleasantly surprised to read that the writer was defending those who suffer from the disease and making a stand for the fact that making a costume out of a disease is not funny at all. The writer likened it to making a costume representing HIV/AIDS. This is so very true and proves a strong point, anorexia and/or any other eating disorder is not anything to be made into a joke. It's sad to me how society has become so numb to people's struggles with eating disorders. It's my hope that I stand strong as an advocate to stand up for those fighting this disease including myself. We are worth more than to be used as some "funny" costume.

The Lengths ED Takes You To

I was talking with a friend tonight on my way home from school and she was mentioning a special she was watching the other night on TV. She said that they were interviewing young models and they were saying that the way they stay thin is by eating toilet paper because it makes them feel full and also absorbs all of the fluid in their stomach to make them weigh less. Just the thought of that alone broke my heart, I remember before recovery being at a point in my life where I may have considered doing something like that just to weigh less. Now, however, the thought alone makes me sick as I think about the damage that action could do to someones body. The mind set that people are in when full boar in an eating disorder is so clouded, every action taken is pre-determined by the internal voice of the eating disorder. When I hear stories like this, it breaks my heart and I wish I could help those struggling all around the world turn their lives around and run far away from ED. Society today has made so many eating disorder behaviors seem "normal" and they are so socially acceptable but yet are literally killing people across the world. This serves as a motivator as well for me personally to keep pressing on in my recovery and never go back to those dark days filled with clouded choices.

One Year

One year ago tomorrow, I graduated from The Healing Connection. This is marked forever in my heart as one of the best days of my life. I remember vividly, the tears streaming down my cheeks as I said my thank yous in the goodbye circle and as all those around me who love me and supported me through the hardest three months of my life cheered me on as I walked out those doors as a different person. I remember being scared to death but for the first time in my entire life I knew who I was, I knew what I was worth, and I knew what I deserved, this gave me a sense of such empowerment. As I reflect over this last year I am overwhelmed by how far I have come in my recovery and I know it is not by my own will alone that I am where I am today. It is because of the Lord, my parents, family,my therapists, doctors, nutritionist and my amazing friends that I am where I am today. I had my weekly doctor's appointment yesterday with Dr. Kreipe where he announced to me and my family that after reviewing my chart and weights and vitals over the past year, he is proud to announce me as "eating disorder free". Yes, the thoughts to restrict and "purge" through exercise are still there but over the past year, I have not brought any of those thoughts into action in my life. I have acknowledged the thoughts and have "thrown them out the window" as my therapists have encouraged me to do. I have been faced with many trials this year and even through all of the stress I have not lost sight of recovery and its place in my life. Recovery is a daily choice, I don't believe that one day someone who has a history of an eating disorder can just wake up and make an announcement that they are "healed", rather it is a daily choice, a daily commitment and as time goes on, that commitment grows even stronger and weeks turn to months and months to years. I am so very thankful for how far the Lord has brought me in my recovery and I hope and pray that my story inspires you to keep pressing on. You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, the sky is the limit <3

What YOU Deserve

"Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." I heard this quote this week for the first time and wished I had heard it years earlier. At first when I heard it I of course related it to my current relationships and was inspired to stand strong for the kind of guy I deserve but as I continued to read it, I started to understand it in a different light. I realized that this is true for my recovery too. Even though I may feel fat one day, I need to remember my body deserves nutrition to live and so restriction or any other eating disorder behavior is not an option. My body deserves the very best. God created me to be a reflection of His handwork, why would I want to tarnish that. Therefore, I chose to plaster this quote all over my house so I never forget my priorities of what I really deserve and that is to have a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Facebook

I have noticed lately that I have friends on Facebook that are probably not the best to have blowing up my newsfeed as I venture through recovery. I have accumulated these friends through various therapy groups and through rehab. It's great to have bonds with individuals that are going through recovery too but the only hindrance comes when they are not at the same place in their recovery as you. This isn't said in a pompous way but rather in an assertive way standing up for my own recovery. Among these friends are the ones that rotate daily posting status updates about how "fat" they are and how they refuse to eat for weeks after having one meal. Then there's those who post pictures of themselves and the caption is entitled "Finally fit back into my skinny jeans!" Gee, I wonder why you fit into those again, maybe because you had eating disorder behaviors recently. Last but not least there's the absolutely beautiful girl that claims she's in recovery but then posts that she's working out for the 5th time that day. These may seem like minor hiccups but in reality, they can make a huge impact on your recovery. For me, it makes me think about when I used to be able to fit into those jeans or worked out in a irrational manner. Triggers are something that we discussed in depth daily in rehab and for me, these photos and posts are absolute triggers and could send me potentially on a downward spiral. Join with me and make a stand for your own body and what you deserve.

Finding Your Identity

As I approach the one year anniversary of my graduation from rehab next month, I sit back and think about how far I have come and something that stands out the most to me, is my new found sense of identity. As time goes on, I am truly finding out who the real woman is within me, what I like and what I dislike, and my true values and beliefs. I see now how when I was consumed with my eating disorder, the joy of life that I was missing out on. I had disconnected from everyone and everything. It was just me, the gym, and my school text books. I am so much more than all of that. Life is a gift and should not be taken for granted. My eating disorder used to be my life, it was why I took my next breath, it designated what my daily schedule was and which food my hands touched. I am happy to say that now, I value my life more than ever and believe in living each day as if it's your last. I have re-established my relationships and friendships and am a stronger person than I ever was with my ED. Finding your identity is no easy task, I truly believe it just comes with time. It's been almost a year now and I'm finally starting to find myself. I also am examining who I want in my life and what things or people are a good influence on me. It's been a rough time of realization that some of the people closest to me are not the best influence. Moving away from them has helped me though to find my true identity. Out with the old, in with the new. I am looking at my life now with the glass half full and there seems to be a very bright light at the end of the tunnel ;)

The Media's Role Today

I just started back to college a few weeks ago. I am a communications major and as I sit in on my classes I can't help to notice the trend of the question asked so far by almost every teacher, "Do you feel that the media today impacts individuals body image?" Of course, I am the first one to raise my hand and advocate for girls such as myself that struggle with body image and have these messages bombarding us everyday from the media telling us to be thinner and prettier. This topic is now part of two of my main final papers. Why am I so interested in the media's role concerning body image? Because I am tired of being flooded with these messages and I imagine you are too. If I can do something to make a difference, I will. I believe where there's a will, there's a way. The other night I walked into the living room only to see the TV showing the Miss Universe pageant. Now, this is something I have watched every single year since I was a young child, wishing and hoping that someday I would be walking down that runway with the sparkle dress and shoes. As I saw the final five girls lined up, I saw my old self in them, unhealthy and unhappy. I then made the conscious choice to click the TV off and walk away. This was a huge step for me, last year I would have been glued to the TV trying to figure out a new plan to make my anorexia even more severe to get as "skinny and beautiful" as them. This is just an example of the media's impact on society today, I had already been hit with so many messages throughout the day concerning the "perfect body" and now I stand in my own living room watching skeletons parade up and down the runway. We live in a world saturated in critique of each individuals body and as someone in recovery, I know how hard it is to stand up against the flow. When my friends are eating carrots and ranch dressing for dinner because they feel "fat" I am pounding down a steak dinner, it seemed awkward at first but as long as I keep my head and heart focused on recovery, I can do this and so can you <3 It's time to start a new trend, one towards the advancement of healthy eating and healthy living, who's with me?

Your Circle of Influence

Something I have been pondering lately is the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people when in recovery. Our culture today is so saturated with weight loss/exercise obsessed individuals that encountering one of them on a daily basis is almost unavoidable. The main issue to deal with is what you do with the words they say to you and the influence they have on your life. I know for me, I have many friends around me that are obsessed with weight loss and working out. It makes things difficult for me when I am with them and they carry on about such subjects. This is where being assertive comes into play. Assertiveness is a valuable lesson that I learned in rehab, it's something I will never forget and that I carry out each day in my conversations. I have learned to stand up for myself and my battle against my eating disorder, I reply to their comments with a kind and loving request for them to not talk about those things around me. I explain to them my feelings and how it affects me. If I were to let them keep talking about it and just try to brush it off, the conversation would only replay in my head later and my eating disorder would use it to its full advantage to plant even more lies in my brain. One of the most important things while in recovery is nipping any negative thoughts in the bud before they even have a chance to blossom into something further that could potentially hurt you. Another thing I have learned recently is being careful to surround myself with others in recovery that are struggling with their eating disorder and having regular symptoms. I have about a year of recovery under my belt but still don't feel mentally ready to be a a strong enough leader in a group of individuals with eating disorders. I am very vulnerable and the place that certain people are at is going to be different than mine and it's necessary for me to recognize that and while loving them and caring also being mindful of myself and my own struggles. Ideally, a person in recovery from an eating disorder should be surrounded by encouraging individuals that know exactly what to say and when as to not trigger the eating disorder, however, this is not reality and so it's important to prepare for all of the outside influences and learn how to tackle the hurdles. I find it helpful to have a select few people in my life who fully understand the eating disorder and who can be there for me to go to and talk about struggles I may be having with those around me that are influencing my eating disorder in a negative way. Communication is one of the keys to freedom, the eating disorder will of course tell you differently and to isolate but that's the worst thing to do. Stand strong for yourself and your new thought process, don't let the opinions and obsessions of others take over your life <3

What is Recovery? and what about being "Fat"?

My group therapy session homework last week was to write down two things...."What does recovery look like to me?" and "How do I feel about fat and weight gain?" I sat down and contemplated both of these questions and came to the conclusion of what each one means to me. Recovery is a daily choice, a stronger force, a whole lot of change, and a healthy lifestyle. Recovery is not something that's achieved in one day, it's a daily decision to take care of my body each and everyday. It also means to work harder than I ever have, to love my body.  Recovery is a force of strength that outsmarts the eating disorder and doesn't allow it to have control. Someone in recovery can expect change, a change of habits, change of thinking, and even a change in dress size. To me, right now, recovery is my number one priority. I don't want to go back to the eating disorder mindset, I want to embrace the new me. Something I have realized most recently is that recovery also means making sacrifices in other areas of life. I am not able to achieve 100 % in every area of my life when trying to focus on and balance everything including recovery, and I've learned that's okay and that recovery and my health are of utmost importance and everything else comes after that. Recovery is something absolutely beautiful and life changing when embraced by an individual willing to change. Now, onto the next topic, being "fat" and weight gain. Quite honestly, being fat is something forbidden to a person with an eating disorder. It's strange because if I see a heavy set person, I pick out all of the good in them and don't focus on their outward appearance but the second that I feel fat, it becomes a national emergency in my brain and life. When I'm engulfed in that negative thinking, I don't see anything but the fat on my body. Weight gain when in recovery is inevitable but one must just remain focused on the ends result and not allow that alone to distract them. In summary, when in recovery stay focused, dedicated, positive, and pray to God for His help. With determination and faith, you can achieve great things ;)

*The number on the scale*

Almost one year into recovery and I found out something that many months ago may have shattered my world. Last week I went to see my primary care physician for a check-up. I entered the doctor’s office and the nurse asked me to wait for a few moments and then she would be back to take my vitals and get me checked in. I looked her up and down, realizing how small she was and I also recognized the attitude that she had because I too had experienced it within myself when I was very sick with my eating disorder. I know it may sound strange but often times I am able to identify someone that has an eating disorder. I am a firm believer in the phrase, “It takes one to know one.” She came out to the waiting room to get me and before stepping on the scale; I did what I have done since in recovery and explained, “I am going to stand on backwards because I’m in recovery from an eating disorder.” She nodded and said, “Ok.” As I stepped off the scale she goes, “Alright,…” and announced my weight to me. As the number came out of her mouth a feeling of shock and disbelief overwhelmed me. The number I have been fighting against and had stayed so strong against had just been revealed to me. A part of me initially felt guilty before realizing that I had no control over what had just happened. I took the precautions and she ignored them. I didn’t say anything to her because when she continued taking my vitals I was still in such a state of shock. She left the room and my eyes filled with tears, I held my face in my hands and cried. I picked up the phone and called my mom. I explained what happened and wanted to quickly hang up because the feelings were just so overwhelming.  I had a choice at that exact moment. I could either choose my eating disorder and focus on myself, that number, and what to do about it and not tell the doctor or I could re-focus myself on the reality that it’s just a number and tell the doctor so it didn’t happen again in the future.  As the doctor walked in, I shared with him what happened. He replied, “Well, I am not surprised, she has a problem herself.” It was clear to everyone. It’s amazing how one person’s eating disorder can be used against someone in recovery in such a great way. I went on to explain to him that he really should confront her about the fact that she told me my weight.  I told him that thankfully I am far enough into recovery that I knew what to do with those crazy thoughts that Ed rushed back into my memory but if she had told that to someone newly into recovery that it could have a massive impact on them. He agreed to talk to her about it and realized how important of an issue it was. That was probably one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The number just seemed to echo in my brain all day but I stayed strong and threw the negative thoughts out the window. That night, my parents had a little celebration with me and brought me flowers in support of me standing up for what was right and for myself. It’s because of support like that, that I’m as far as I am in recovery. Thank you mom and dad for always rallying behind me <3

***Don't let stress hold you back from your full potential***

For me, stressful times when recovering from an eating disorder are one of the most challenging things to encounter. As I approach finals week, I have been working long days and nights on projects, homework, and studying for exams. During the day I am so busy that it would be easy for me to just “forget” to eat and at night sleep has been few and far between for me these days, which essentially affects me the next day because I just don’t feel hungry because I’m so tired. At times like this, it feels as if all odds are against me but then I take a moment out of my day to regroup and re-prioritize. I realize that in order for me to do well in other aspects of life I have to first take care of myself. Although, the easy way out is not eating and becoming “numb”, that only sounds appealing to me for a second before I remember the hell that comes with restricting. I think of the massive headache and other ill feelings that follow restriction. I don’t want that life again. Deep down inside, I’ve changed, I know who I am now and I never want to go back to the deadly lifestyle I lead before. When it comes down to it, stress is something that will always be a part of life, but for someone in recovery it leaves a daily choice. Will you chose to save your life and eat no matter how hard it is or will you cave to the temporary security net that ED offers? I pray that I continue to choose the first choice, and to choose life. As far as I’m concerned, a stressful day isn’t worth regressing to old ways and losing all of the advances   I’ve made. Stay strong and stay focused and you can overcome anything you set your mind to J

Life Changing Experience

I have copied over a speech that I gave to my Professional Communication class last week. The assignment was to speak about a life changing experience that I went through.

Today, I will be talking about a life changing experience that you may be able to relate to and that has taught me many important things. I will be sharing with you about my recovery from my eating disorder, a disease that affects both men and women today. In the spring of 2010, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Anorexia is a life threatening disease that is characterized by mental distortion of self image, which leads to induced starvation, excessive exercise and drastic weight loss. In early June, I began family counseling with my parents to work through various issues that we were having. Through this, I revealed my eating disorder of three years to them and I finally recognized that I had a problem and needed help. This is where it all began. After I brought myself to accept the fact that I was dying slowly after years of malnutrition and hitting a rock bottom weight of 104 pounds, I was finally able to make that phone call that would change my life. I contacted one of the best eating disorder doctors in the nation, who happens to practice out of Strong Hospital. I still remember vividly all the emotions I was feeling the day of my first appointment. I sat there, waiting in the room, shaking, as tears trickled down my face and thoughts raced through my mind. I knew this was the beginning of letting go. I’d have to let go of the one thing that I had control over the past 3 years of my life: my eating disorder. The door quickly opened as the doctor stepped in and I wiped the tears from my cheeks, not wanting him to see my weakness. I had walls up but by the end of my first meeting with him I was slowly tearing them down. I was surprised as he related to everything I was saying and could practically finish my sentences as I tried to explain my feelings to him. Because eating disorders are a disease, my symptoms and feelings were nothing new under the sun to him. Individuals with eating disorders strangely share many similarities. I left the appointment overwhelmed but also flooded with relief. From this point forward, I worked with my doctor and a nutritionist, starting by simply adding food back into my daily life again. It was a slow process but I was starting to form a passion for recovery, which was the key to my success.  After months of implementing my new meal plan while continuing on with my life, working hard, barely sleeping, and eating to the point of ‘just getting by’, I realized I needed a higher level of care. The challenge was, it was August and I was all registered to start classes here at Nazareth the following month, entering as a junior. I had a decision to make-one that I view as the hardest I have ever made. Did I continue on, barely getting by and killing myself slowly so that I could enter college that fall and stay on track with my schedule or should I focus on becoming healthy and beginning a rehabilitation program that would get me on the right track for the long run, not just short term? I did end up taking last semester off and on August 26th, 2010, I admitted myself into a local eating disorder partial hospitalization program where I began my 3 month venture towards recovery. My doctor was standing beside me every step of the way.  Before I left his office for rehabilitation he drew me a picture of a mountain and made a mark at the bottom and said, “You’re right here and you need to get to the top, to get there you will go through hell, the worst experiences you have ever had in your life but once you reach the top of the mountain the view will be worth every bit you went through.” At the rehabilitation program, I went everyday at eleven in the morning until six thirty at night. I was able to go home at night. All of my meals were eaten within the program and every morning I was weighed in. The treatment team at the center consisting of doctors, primary therapists, psychologists, art therapists, dance therapists, and yoga instructors first worked with me on the re-feeding process. You see, when you have an eating disorder it effects you not only physically but mentally as well. The lack of food in my body caused me to not be able to think properly, so they fed us multiple times a day, sometimes with the most unappetizing food choices. Meals were timed and after 3 incomplete meals, you were given a warning and if you didn’t complete after that you were recommended for a higher level of care. After about a month, I had finally started gaining weight. How much, I don’t know. I haven’t seen a scale or known my weight since the day I walked into the doctor’s office for that first appointment. You see, the number on the scale used to determine for me whether or not I would eat that day. If I didn’t like the number, I wouldn’t eat. It would not be advantageous for me to even touch a scale now; it would only hinder my recovery. The next part of recovery was mental and emotional healing. We worked in a group setting and participated in the various therapies I mentioned above, but also had daily sessions discussing body image, adopting new thought processes, meal planning and nutrition, and many other means of overcoming our eating disorders. On a positive note, I look back and know that attending the rehabilitation program was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I see now how it sought to kill me, and I thank God everyday for giving me the grace to fight it. When my doctor drew that mountain, he wasn’t kidding. Recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done but as I approach the top of the mountain, the view is becoming clearer everyday and let me tell you, it’s a beautiful view. 

Lasting Consequences

I have recently been facing a rather large challenge that I feel many others probably face as well when in recovery. I am dealing with the after effects of an eating disorder. When the smaller things like hair loss, piercing headaches, low body temperature, and changing moods started to change for the better during my stay in the rehab program, it was exciting to start feeling healthy again. For the first time I remember looking at the sink after drying my hair and not seeing clumps wrapped around the drain, I remember the hot flashes and how for the first time I felt warm instead of cold all the time, and I remember finally waking up in the morning and not having that piercing headache against my temple of my head. The absence of these results of an eating disorder was nothing but a joy to me. However, then came the larger more permanent ramifications of my eating disorder. Last week I was told something that left me sitting there crying wondering how I could have ever done this to my body and hurting at the thought of the bondage I used to be under. You see, for several months and even while at the rehab program I constantly felt nauseated. Not a day went by when I didn't feel like food was in the back of my throat and feel a burning in my esophagus. Having a history of severe acid reflux also played a role. Of course,despite the pain and sickness,  I continued eating; it was my only means to recovery. The nausea has continued and most recently I have woken up every morning so sick that I have been vomiting spit and stomach bile. I know, a gross thing for me to admit but I am simply trying to share with you the severity of this situation. I was so discouraged. After being on medication for months and having no relief, I finally underwent a upper endoscopy, which allowed my doctor to view my esophagus and stomach and explore what is going on. The results showed that my stomachs mobility rate had dropped drastically, much slower than a normal person. The reason I am nauseated all of the time is because my stomach is not emptying properly and therefore, the food is backing up and coming up my esophagus causing pain and sickness. How did this happen? The answer to that question is what haunts me to this day, my eating disorder. I didn't have food in my stomach for so long that it actually slowed down mobility and has had a permanent affect on me. The doctor didn't have a resolve expect for putting me on more medications to cover the pain/nausea and for us to pray this gets better, it could very well, be damaged for life. Along with this news I have been advised to have a change of food intake. The thoughts that raced through my brain when he said that was, here I worked so hard for months,finally starting to love food again and now the doctor's are requiring me to eat only bland foods and to be very careful with what I consume because it could make my stomach worse. My eating disorder immediately kicked in and tried to convince me it could save the day. Through many tears and talking it out with my treatment team, I am over coming this each and everyday. I am putting the eating disorder aside and trying to make the most of a bad experience. I am focusing on the positives of foods I can have still that I love instead of dwelling on the negative and leaving room for ED to rear his ugly head. This change is frustrating to say the least but in the end it is only going to make me a stronger person. Experiencing all this though, left me realizing just how big of an impact an eating disorder has on one's life. The ramifications of starving my body are here haunting me on a daily basis. The way I look at it now is, the nausea and sickness are motivators to never go back to my ED, the very thing that did this to me, the very thing that tried to kill me. The good news is, it didn't and I won't let it.

More Than Just a Size

I don't know about you but one of the hardest parts of recovery for me was when I sat in the circle at my recovery program crying because I went to put on my favorite jeans that morning and they didn't fit anymore. Weight gain is a natural and expected part of recovery but I never thought I would be so emotional over not fitting into my favorite pair of pants. That following week, the week before my discharge from the program, my other group members challenged me to get rid of my old pants/clothes that didn't fit anymore, and then go on a shopping spree for new clothes. I remember emptying my closet with a box of tissues right by my side. I cried and gripped my many pairs of  pants before throwing them into the 'give-away' pile.I remember vividly that at that point they weren't just pants to me, they represented everything I was throwing away; essentially, my eating disorder. The emotional connection I had to them was overwhelming. However, after taking them to the local thrift store, I felt a sense of accomplishment, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and moved on, headed forward, not looking back. Next, I began to think of the shopping spree ahead of me.The thought of the size I would be and what that mirror in the dressing room would reveal to me was terrifying. My primary therapist had a session with me before I went and recommended taking someone along with me for support as I went shopping . At first, my ED hated the idea but then after taking a step back and evaluating everything, I agreed to it. My mom went with me that night and I showed her which pants I liked, she picked various sizes and then covered them with colored tape, and handed them to me to try on. Of course, I wanted to peel back the tape and look but I honestly didn't look and I selected various pants based on style and how I felt in them. I left feeling great about my wardrobe. When we got home I handed her the pants and asked her to remove the tags so to this day, I don't know what size they are. I am so thankful I took those necessary steps to prevent a trigger. To this day, trying on pants that don't fit is a very emotional thing but I do feel that with each passing week in my recovery, I'm stronger and realize that I am made for so much more than just a pant size and the tag on the clothes I wear is not my identity. I'm letting go of the identity ED held me captive by for so long and finding a new one, myself and discovering my full potential :)